As long as we both shall die...

So, it's been a while. I know. Two years to be exact. While you've been sleeping, I got engaged to the love of my life, Maurice Henderson II. We met almost a year ago and now, in 42 days, we will be the Hendersons. The marriage journey began on February 13th and has only been progressing since then with marriage counseling, groups, couple dinners, dates, planning, etc.

Well I've been here before: sitting Indian-style in my bed with a laptop in front of me. So I'm going to do what I came to do: process on paper what is happening in my heart.

We both just had a great conversation with Chad Jones, the patriarch of the family that I currently live with. He talked to us about marriage and gave us a few points to chew on and constantly submit to the Lord about in order to function as a couple:

1. Steer away from assuming the other person does not care. Even if they say it from their mouths, show them grace.

2. Shame and vulnerability can affect a marriage tremendously. An improper response to both of these things can give way to pride and inverted pride that can slowly deteriorate a marriage.

3. Intimacy and expectations go hand-in-hand. You cannot have real intimacy (closeness) without having expectations for your spouse to be becoming godly. And having godly expectations leads to true intimacy. Most marriages suffer in this area because usually one comes without the other. Intimacy does not always mean that you are expecting a process of godliness from your spouse. Having godly expectations does not always mean that you are truly growing in intimacy. Leave room for grace.

4. The Spirit of the Lord will always reveal what is needed for you in the very moment that you cry out.

So, I wrote all this because my heart is glad! I have never received so much grace-filled truth in my life as I have in this season of my life. This all makes me so excited right now because it is so new and relevant to what God is working in my and Maurice's life.

However, here is my reason for writing:

So that I do not grow weary in prayer and submission to the Lord about our individual and collective growth and relationship with the Lord.

Last night I had a dream that was very scary. It was one of those things where it's scary to think about in the moment because your mind is drifting between consciousness and REM sleep and every shadow in your room could be out to get you. But I am just recalling what the dream was.

I was riding in an 18 wheeler in an icy, slick city that was at the peak of rush hour. The owner of the truck decided to let me drive momentarily. I got behind the wheel and starting swerving, just missing cars on the freeway. Coming up to a backed up section of the interstate, I realized I was going at dangerous speeds meeting cars backed up several miles from their exits. I stepped on the brakes to no avail. I pumped the brakes only to snake and slither as I got closer and closer to growing images of four-door sedans honking their horns and riding their brakes. Finally, I asked the owner of the truck, "how do you stop this thing?" He looked at me calmly and said, "Well, all you need to do was ask me." He reached into the back pocket of the passenger's seat and pressed a button that said BRAKES. We immediately stopped and were put on a whole new patch of freeway.

What the heck does this "scary" dream have to do with marriage, Renata?!

Here's my application: Grace comes in surrender. As I enter this marriage, there are expectations that I have for myself, for Maurice, and for every situation that we may encounter as one flesh. I have found myself playing mental monopoly trying to bet on a certain outcome for things we are facing even now (furniture, honeymoon, etc.). So as I ask the Lord in my anxiety and little faith, "What will we do about __________________?" He is answering to me, "Just ask me." He is teaching me what full surrender and relationship with Him will look and feel like. Yes I was headed into a car pileup and uncontrollable, fatal collisions on my own effort. But the Lord's grace stops me every time and protects me, teaches me, and saves me from the path that I so blindly choose to take.


Pray that as Maurice and I enter this new season of life that God would take, bless, break and multiply us for His glory. Pray that grace is the oxygen we breath when our poisonous hearts want to release otherwise. Pray life into this union as we learn to die daily.


Psalm 3:3

Greater than or less than?

As a teacher, I am all too familiar with the phrases "greater than" or "less than".  If a number is greater than, it's value is higher than the other number being compared. If a number is less than, it's value is lower than the other number being compared. The essential function of comparing numbers is to see how much value each number contains.
Today, I have been studying 2 Chronicles chapter 20, a story about Jehoshaphat about to enter into battle against the Ammonites and the Moabites. From the jump, we see him sore afraid of the army that is coming after him. The punchline (get it? punch? war?)- anywho, the punchline of the story is in verse 3 where Jehoshaphat determined, through his fear, that he would seek out the Lord about the battle that was about to rage against him. He prays before the assembly of people basically asking God, "You're the only One who can win this battle right? So what should we do?" The spirit of God came and spoke through one of the men in the assembly reassuring the king and his followers that they should not be afraid but that they should trust in God, in whom the battle would be fought. After this, we see God confuse the opposing nations of Ammon and Moab to turn on one another just by Judah walking and singing a praise and worship song!
What does this have to do with greater than or less than? As a child, I used to get the symbols confused. If 6>5, this means that 6 is greater than 5. What's the irony of the symbol? I was confused because the bigger numbers are "eaten" by the open end of the sign >. Why are the bigger numbers eaten if they have higher value than the other number. But what is even more ironic is the sovereignty of our God. He is ALWAYS greater than whatever is on the other end of our equations in life. He is not destroyed by those small doubts that we have or the fear of defeat. In fact, God tells Jehoshaphat something similar to what He tells Joshua at the open of His career for God: do not be afraid for I will be there with you. So this is not a matter of greater than or less than. The cliche question that arrives is: Does God fit into our equations in our lives? Do we leave room for Him? Purposely seeking Him? Or does He often become a variable in our lives? Someone that we can do without? Someone who we think can not be greater than what we see as inevitable. God's steadfast character IS  the only inevitable that we have in our lives. Whatever that means exclusively is spelled out in His word. We are just to make sure that the equation we are writing in our lives includes the true God who is greater than the inevitable.

The Loner's Blind Spot

     I was 17, practicing my new driving skills on a scarcely populated street. As I began to grow in confidence, I increased my rate of acceleration. I was approaching my turn. Realizing that I needed to get over, yet being freshly indoctrinated in proper driving etiquette, I went through "the checklist". Turning signal. Check. Look in rearview mirror. Check. Decrease speed. Check. So I began to switch lanes, feeling proud of my commitment to following the traffic laws. A loud honk followed by the screech of tires burning rubber ensued. I looked in the rearview mirror again and realized that I had cut off a four-door sedan of which the make and model would be imprinted in my mind the rest of the day. My checklist was incomplete. I didn't check the blind spot.
     Rewind 2 years to a nervous high school sophomore leaving a rigorous afternoon of cheerleading tryouts. All the potential cheerleaders were changing in the locker room. "Tomorrow is the big day! Don't forget to wear the school colors: green and gray." These words only elicited more anxiety in my heart as I realized that the only green shorts I owned were my gym shorts. It was then that one of the prettiest, most popular girls on the squad walked over to me and handed me a pair of green Sofie shorts. Her instructions were that I could wear them, wash them, and give them back. But what I ended up doing in those shorts could not be washed away. I tried on the shorts that night. I was listening to a Destiny's Child album and heard one of their songs in a different way from the way it sounded before. It made my ears tingle. The hairs on my arms stood at attention. My imagination roamed into thoughts never before seen on the projector in my mind. This was my first time masturbating.
     It gave me a sexual high. I felt in control. Still a virgin yet taking my own virginity. Never touched by a man yet raping myself. Literally taking matters into my own guilty hands. All for a high that lasts as long as it takes to read the period at the end of this sentence.
     Fast forward to last week. Waking up with an urge and finally surrendering to you. Giving in to the feeling and going all the way. Yet again. I dub thee: the loner's blind spot. You sneak up on me when I'm feeling confident, Yes, I'm in God's Word. Yes, I'm praying for others. Yes, I'm sprinting after a lifestyle of holiness. I'm following the law. My checklist seems complete. But then you. You rear your lustful head back into my life after I vowed not to see you again last time. I didn't check the blind spot.
     Those shorts could be worn, washed, and given back. But what I have struggled with for 8 years is a stain in my life. Masturbation cannot simply be tried on. It cannot be sampled. Masturbation demands to be worn as an undergarment. Hidden under a facade of cleanliness and purity. Masturbation cannot simply be returned. The exchange policy is even worse than the option of continuing to masturbate. The next step up is sex. Masturbation demands to be kept. It never plans to give back  the destruction it causes both physically and spiritually. It's a beast.
     But thanks be to God that masturbation can be washed. And it's filthy stain removed. Galatians tells me that the law only shows me what I've done wrong. The checklist simply keeps me from getting a ticket, but does not include any clauses about forgetting to check the blind spot. That ticket equals the wages of death every time I had the urge to masturbate. Again, Galatians tells me that I have died to the law and that the Christ in me is  Who now lives in my place. Since I was crucified with Christ, the when and how of my masturbation were canceled out when He resurrected from the grave. Colossians tells me that my guilty hands were made clean when masturbation was nailed to the cross of Christ. Now, I am beginning to grasp the vastness of what it truly means to surrender. Holding thoughts captive to Christ is definitely easier said than done. But God is able. I am not claiming to "be there" as it pertains to abandoning masturbation altogether. But as I write this, I get a fire in my very soul. A fierce determination to trust the One Who saved me and daily live with Him as Lord over my life. Jesus said that He was the only Way. No blind spot can tell me anything different. God is working.

                                                 Pray diligently for me and others who
                                                 struggle with this blind spot.


Galatians 5:1