I was 17, practicing my new driving skills on a scarcely populated street. As I began to grow in confidence, I increased my rate of acceleration. I was approaching my turn. Realizing that I needed to get over, yet being freshly indoctrinated in proper driving etiquette, I went through "the checklist". Turning signal. Check. Look in rearview mirror. Check. Decrease speed. Check. So I began to switch lanes, feeling proud of my commitment to following the traffic laws. A loud honk followed by the screech of tires burning rubber ensued. I looked in the rearview mirror again and realized that I had cut off a four-door sedan of which the make and model would be imprinted in my mind the rest of the day. My checklist was incomplete. I didn't check the blind spot.
Rewind 2 years to a nervous high school sophomore leaving a rigorous afternoon of cheerleading tryouts. All the potential cheerleaders were changing in the locker room. "Tomorrow is the big day! Don't forget to wear the school colors: green and gray." These words only elicited more anxiety in my heart as I realized that the only green shorts I owned were my gym shorts. It was then that one of the prettiest, most popular girls on the squad walked over to me and handed me a pair of green Sofie shorts. Her instructions were that I could wear them, wash them, and give them back. But what I ended up doing in those shorts could not be washed away. I tried on the shorts that night. I was listening to a Destiny's Child album and heard one of their songs in a different way from the way it sounded before. It made my ears tingle. The hairs on my arms stood at attention. My imagination roamed into thoughts never before seen on the projector in my mind. This was my first time masturbating.
It gave me a sexual high. I felt in control. Still a virgin yet taking my own virginity. Never touched by a man yet raping myself. Literally taking matters into my own guilty hands. All for a high that lasts as long as it takes to read the period at the end of this sentence.
Fast forward to last week. Waking up with an urge and finally surrendering to you. Giving in to the feeling and going all the way. Yet again. I dub thee: the loner's blind spot. You sneak up on me when I'm feeling confident, Yes, I'm in God's Word. Yes, I'm praying for others. Yes, I'm sprinting after a lifestyle of holiness. I'm following the law. My checklist seems complete. But then you. You rear your lustful head back into my life after I vowed not to see you again last time. I didn't check the blind spot.
Those shorts could be worn, washed, and given back. But what I have struggled with for 8 years is a stain in my life. Masturbation cannot simply be tried on. It cannot be sampled. Masturbation demands to be worn as an undergarment. Hidden under a facade of cleanliness and purity. Masturbation cannot simply be returned. The exchange policy is even worse than the option of continuing to masturbate. The next step up is sex. Masturbation demands to be kept. It never plans to give back the destruction it causes both physically and spiritually. It's a beast.
But thanks be to God that masturbation can be washed. And it's filthy stain removed. Galatians tells me that the law only shows me what I've done wrong. The checklist simply keeps me from getting a ticket, but does not include any clauses about forgetting to check the blind spot. That ticket equals the wages of death every time I had the urge to masturbate. Again, Galatians tells me that I have died to the law and that the Christ in me is Who now lives in my place. Since I was crucified with Christ, the when and how of my masturbation were canceled out when He resurrected from the grave. Colossians tells me that my guilty hands were made clean when masturbation was nailed to the cross of Christ. Now, I am beginning to grasp the vastness of what it truly means to surrender. Holding thoughts captive to Christ is definitely easier said than done. But God is able. I am not claiming to "be there" as it pertains to abandoning masturbation altogether. But as I write this, I get a fire in my very soul. A fierce determination to trust the One Who saved me and daily live with Him as Lord over my life. Jesus said that He was the only Way. No blind spot can tell me anything different. God is working.
Pray diligently for me and others who
struggle with this blind spot.
Galatians 5:1
