As long as we both shall die...

So, it's been a while. I know. Two years to be exact. While you've been sleeping, I got engaged to the love of my life, Maurice Henderson II. We met almost a year ago and now, in 42 days, we will be the Hendersons. The marriage journey began on February 13th and has only been progressing since then with marriage counseling, groups, couple dinners, dates, planning, etc.

Well I've been here before: sitting Indian-style in my bed with a laptop in front of me. So I'm going to do what I came to do: process on paper what is happening in my heart.

We both just had a great conversation with Chad Jones, the patriarch of the family that I currently live with. He talked to us about marriage and gave us a few points to chew on and constantly submit to the Lord about in order to function as a couple:

1. Steer away from assuming the other person does not care. Even if they say it from their mouths, show them grace.

2. Shame and vulnerability can affect a marriage tremendously. An improper response to both of these things can give way to pride and inverted pride that can slowly deteriorate a marriage.

3. Intimacy and expectations go hand-in-hand. You cannot have real intimacy (closeness) without having expectations for your spouse to be becoming godly. And having godly expectations leads to true intimacy. Most marriages suffer in this area because usually one comes without the other. Intimacy does not always mean that you are expecting a process of godliness from your spouse. Having godly expectations does not always mean that you are truly growing in intimacy. Leave room for grace.

4. The Spirit of the Lord will always reveal what is needed for you in the very moment that you cry out.

So, I wrote all this because my heart is glad! I have never received so much grace-filled truth in my life as I have in this season of my life. This all makes me so excited right now because it is so new and relevant to what God is working in my and Maurice's life.

However, here is my reason for writing:

So that I do not grow weary in prayer and submission to the Lord about our individual and collective growth and relationship with the Lord.

Last night I had a dream that was very scary. It was one of those things where it's scary to think about in the moment because your mind is drifting between consciousness and REM sleep and every shadow in your room could be out to get you. But I am just recalling what the dream was.

I was riding in an 18 wheeler in an icy, slick city that was at the peak of rush hour. The owner of the truck decided to let me drive momentarily. I got behind the wheel and starting swerving, just missing cars on the freeway. Coming up to a backed up section of the interstate, I realized I was going at dangerous speeds meeting cars backed up several miles from their exits. I stepped on the brakes to no avail. I pumped the brakes only to snake and slither as I got closer and closer to growing images of four-door sedans honking their horns and riding their brakes. Finally, I asked the owner of the truck, "how do you stop this thing?" He looked at me calmly and said, "Well, all you need to do was ask me." He reached into the back pocket of the passenger's seat and pressed a button that said BRAKES. We immediately stopped and were put on a whole new patch of freeway.

What the heck does this "scary" dream have to do with marriage, Renata?!

Here's my application: Grace comes in surrender. As I enter this marriage, there are expectations that I have for myself, for Maurice, and for every situation that we may encounter as one flesh. I have found myself playing mental monopoly trying to bet on a certain outcome for things we are facing even now (furniture, honeymoon, etc.). So as I ask the Lord in my anxiety and little faith, "What will we do about __________________?" He is answering to me, "Just ask me." He is teaching me what full surrender and relationship with Him will look and feel like. Yes I was headed into a car pileup and uncontrollable, fatal collisions on my own effort. But the Lord's grace stops me every time and protects me, teaches me, and saves me from the path that I so blindly choose to take.


Pray that as Maurice and I enter this new season of life that God would take, bless, break and multiply us for His glory. Pray that grace is the oxygen we breath when our poisonous hearts want to release otherwise. Pray life into this union as we learn to die daily.


Psalm 3:3